Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Google that shit!!

     So when I started this blog in 2009, I had 3 very small children. All at home, all dependent on me- no daycare, no reprieve, and NO SLEEP. Of course I was nuts! Frankly speaking maybe a bit angry, frustrated, and jaded as well. Years have passed since then (four to be exact), and my oldest two are in school and I only have the one very sweet, kind, eager to please FiFi at home now. Life certainly seems a bit more tame, evolution as it were, has made me much happier and carefree person. Don't get me wrong, our life is still a circus however it's a far more well managed and put together circus. Those days that seem impossible to get through and the balled up sobbing heap of me on the bathroom floor is maybe only a bi-monthly occurrence instead of a bi-daily occurrence.  I may have mentioned the rotting corpse of the Leslie I once was that lives in our home smelling up the place? Well she is beginning to smell a little less like decomp and a little more like perfume. I also have more help now. My husband having read the blog may have helped slightly ( I can dream can't I?) or maybe he too has had some personal growth and has come into his own fathering vibe. He definitely seems to "get it" more.  The kids are far more autonomous now. I only have to wipe a very occasional butt and never have to chop up anyone's food into choke proof pieces unless we are having steak for dinner.  Ahhhhhhh- a sigh of relief.
     Problems of the past have morphed into - well the problems of today that are far less difficult to manage. It is only occasionally that I feel overwhelmed. Soccer season is one of those times, and there is of course the dreaded twice yearly school project time. Uggggg. Even though I "graduated' from third grade quite some time ago, lets face facts! Those damn school projects are just not designed for your kid to do alone. They are what I like to call the "parent" homework. Dioramas, habitats, and giant poster boards taller than your kid have to be designed and mapped out. 3rd grade brings Endangered Species, and Foreign Countries, seems easy enough? For weeks at a time our dining room table is overrun by glue, letters, paper, scissors, pictures, and notes. This year's project for C was on Brazil. She was so excited to have chosen it because she'd seen a documentary once on carnival and was excited to learn more. It should have been easy enough, and that is why one calm Sunday afternoon I left her to work on the project alone and put my husband in charge of the oversight committee. For the most part his help consists of, "I dont know sweetie, why dont you Google that." That is sort of fine, she needs to at least try do most of the work on her own right? And besides, I love Google- how did we ever live without it.  Why is the sky blue? Why did the dinosaurs die? How can you cut steel? Where is Easter Island and why is it called Easter Island? I DON'T KNOW KIDS- Google that shit. We do have an ancient dust covered set of Encyclopedia somewhere in the basement but one paragraph about Brazil does not a project make. If I'd been home I would have stood by her as she typed in the words and helped guide her on her word choice. I was not home. It was Sunday so there was any number of stupid sports shows on so my husband was otherwise inclined. If I were home I would have helped her select the right words to find what she was looking for and helped her chose which sites to actually look at. I was not home, so she was all on her own and did what most kids do. She typed in the most simple terms what she was looking for. She had already found a map, learned the topography of the land. She had already learned about their weather, their national treasures, the tourist sights to be seen. She'd learned about the major cities, and their population. She had researched the foods they eat and what interesting plants grew there. She had learned all there was about Carnivale and found at least three famous people who had come from Brazil. All that was left was to find out what people in Brazil wore and how they wore their hair. Yep, that's right. Any MOMMY who is reading this blog knows exactly where I am about to go. Why the connection did not dawn on my husband is beyond me. So that lovely Sunday afternoon my sweet 8 year old received a very in depth, very image filled graphic of what you get when you type in Brazil and HAIR on Google.
    When recounting the story to me later she laughed and blushed A LOT!  "EWWWWWW mom it was gross they showed it all!" and "Mom why do women need to shave down there??" (GREAT!!)   Thankfully she is a smart enough child not to have added THAT to her poster board.  I dont think third grade is ready for and X-rated foreign country project yet! My husband was more than a little embarrassed. Mainly because he will NEVER be comfortable enough to have even the slightest sex talk with my daughter. "Dad when do girl start wearing a bra?"- sent him crying to his room. "I dont know ask you mother!" was heard as he ran off to hide.
 The moral of this story? Just when I think "I got this.." Just when I think it's all getting easier and I'm feeling a bit of self confidence and pride... BIG PARENTING FAIL. Boom the universe or the internet more specially has other ideas.

Ha Ha..... I always try to see the brighter side though, and in recounting this story to a friend of mine she one-upped me. She told me that she left her husband in charge of finding the cheer leading bloomers that go under her daughters cheer skirt. She was thinking that a nice trip to the sporting goods store would be a good father daughter outing. He on the other had wanted to make sure it was a one trip shop so he told his daughter to go and Google the nearest store and see if they have them. He told his daughter...."Just go Google DICKS.com........"

AHHHHHHH and another contender for father of the year emerges...