Monday, August 3, 2009

John and Kate Plus 8

I just have to make some comments about this situation. I hate myself for doing it because everyone is these days but I have a few observations that I really have to share. It relates to the whole thing I have been saying about our roles not being equal. I want to start by saying that I never really watched this show. I have three kids of my own and I do not need to turn on the TV to see how hard that life is because I am living it. That would not be what I call entertaining. I have only come to know of the show and it's characters because they are plastered all over my television, my newsstands, my radio, and my grocery line check out. It's all I hear talk about on play dates even. So I listened a few times and then I Googled a few things about them. Here is what I am hearing. "That Kate Gosselin is such a horrible mother who put her kids in jeopardy. She is using them to make a buck, they are being exploited. She is a tyrant who yells like a drill Sargent. She is a Nazi at home, a slave driver to her husband and kids. Her kids should be taken away and it's really no wonder her husband cheated on her the way she speaks to him." Does that about sum it up? Does that all sound pretty accurate?
I am amazed, but mostly I am just LIVID. I just talked about this in the last blog. Why are we so quick to criticize the woman. Why do we call a strong and assertive woman a bitch or a nag? Why are we saying that it is not a wonder that her poor husband cheated on her since she was just so mean to him? One magazine story wrote this, "Kate's fame is taking her away from the family so much, and of whatever resentment Jon might have about that (or about the way she constantly belittles him on camera), is killing their marriage. He as much as said he wished he didn't have to do the show anymore." All I can hear is Poor Poor Poor Jon. Those poor little kids. Oh what an awful woman. I could just scream. I'll tell you what is killing their marriage and that is a cheating husband. I have since watched a few episodes. What a joke. This woman has 8 kids! EIGHT people! I only have three and I am a drill Sargent, a Nazi, and a screaming lunatic on a daily basis. Not to be overly dramatic but if you aren't those eight kids will literally claim anarchy and take over the house. It's true and any woman with more than one kid know this. You must run a tight ship, you must keep order, you must be a disciplinarian and you must stay on point. If you do not they will run you over like an Amtrak! With 8 I can see how things would be constantly on the verge of ciaos. You must be tough. It's just the facts. i never yelled before I had kids and now I am yelling every three minutes. Poor kids my big ole butt! They have the best clothes, the best toys, anything their hearts desire. They go on great trips, their college education is assured as is most any venture they wish to pursue. Big deal she spanked one of them. That is her business and frankly you and I will not ever know but most likely they deserved a swat! I can tell you this. Crazy doesn't not stay buried and if she were in some way really abusing those kids the cameras rolling 24-7 would have picked up on more of it a long time ago. Those kids have a great life, and you know what else... they genuinely seem happy. Watch them interact. If they were angry, frustrated, or abused cameras would have picked that up too. You can not hide that type of dysfunction. Those kids are in a great place. I have watched a few episodes of the newer version with the split in place and Kate seems to be in a good place too. She has eight of them all working together to cause drama. EIGHT! That crazy religious family the Dougers have 18, but the difference is that their oldest is like 19 so as the older ones grow they too can help with the daily chores and routines. The older kids become a part of the process and not a part of the work. Kate has eight all very young children that all need to be told what to do, all eight who need help in decision making. And the the icing on the cake is that she has husband who from what I can tell is just deedling through life. deedle dee doo doo doo. This is a diamond earring wearing, Ed Hardy pimping, spiked hair covering his bald spot dufus. I watched one episode where he just took a few of the kids, not even all 8, out in the back yard for a walk and it ended with one of them in the emergency room with stitches. She can count on him for a whole lot of nothing. It's really no wonder to me that she is "belittling " to him since he has the brain of a moron. She has to dumb everything down just so he can keep up. So what if she is harsh, so what if she is a bit brash. Those same qualities in a man would have made him the CEO of some big company not a bitch or a nag. Besides this man she speaks down to is an idiot. That should be obvious to anyone. When he is caught out with some trampy 20 something year who has a face book page full of pot smoking and lesbian photos what other assumption can one draw. You are a grown up Jon! Act like one! You have 8 kids, you are not a frat boy! Lay of the beer bong and pick up a book to read to your kids. He does not even have a job. If he had even one grain of intelligence he'd have kept an affair quiet and not had one with a woman who is barley out of her teens or better yet, thought of his kids and not had one at all. I saw him in the grocery store on the cover of In Touch Magazine. and the cover screamed.."I Am Tired of Being Blamed." I seriously laughed out loud. OK so who's fault is it that you cheated on your wife and kids? NO ONES! YOURS! Watch one of these shows... it's painful to see him just hanging out. I wanted to scream at him several times myself. DO SOMETHING!!!
Kate Gosselin has 8 kids, a moron for a husband, and is supporting (almost solely) her family with her books and with this television show. If she were a man we would be calling her a saint. We'd be saying what a hard worker she is. We'd be complementing her on her organization and her ability to handle all of this. We would be saying how horrible a wife she has for going out on her behind her back. We would be wondering why her spouse wasn't doing more to support her hard working and bread winning husband. We'd be singing her praises. Why is it that we always demonize the woman? Is it Eve again? Oh what a world it would be if she'd never eaten the damned apple. It is not belittling someone to basically say, "Duh! Help the F@&# out dude?" It just is what it is. It's obvious what needs to be done day in and day out but this guy needs to be told constantly to pull his head out of his butt, and somehow she is the bad guy for saying it? Man it makes me mad. Why as a society do we do this? I see it all the time, everywhere. Another ridiculous show, 16 and pregnant on MTV. The girl is there and looking at the camera after her boyfriend and father of her child has just returned home. He was gone after the baby was born for a few weeks. He explains to the camera that the just needed some time to sort thorough this all and to think about the situation and his life and where he was going. The silly girl says something about how she supports him and that she understands he has a lot to think about and how hard it must have been for him. WHAT???? What would we do if it was her that had walked away from the baby for a few weeks and left the kid with him to deal with? It's just not even an option. A woman walks away and she better never try to return or she better have an excuse like death or insanity. A woman would be deemed unfit as a mother. She would have been burned on the cross, set in front of the firing squad. NO ONE would have told her they understand that she needed some time to think. Her child would have already been taken away either by the state or by that boys parents for someone else to raise becasue she could not be counted on when the chips were down. Never would anyone have understood how hard this must have been for her and how she just needed some time to think about it all. The hippocracy astounds me. When will it end?
I say to Kate.. keep your head high. Your kids need you and it's obvious you will be the one to end up taking care of them. You do not need to listen to all the foolishness surrounding you and you are doing a great job. No one can know what you are going through, no one but you. And I say to society WHY? Why not hold the man just as accountable as the woman?

Sunday, August 2, 2009



Is there an “A” in the puzzle? My husband and I joke all the time with this Star Wars reference. “Only sith lords deal in ABSOLUTES.” “A” is for ABSOLUTES. No one ever is ALWAYS great or NEVER great. They are sometimes great and sometimes not so great. Lately my husband has been pretty great. The blog is really helping us. He reads and we discuss. He does not ALWAYS see things my way but that is really really good because my way is not ALWAYS right. His point of view on things has lead to some very stimulating conversations. The other night he said the most intelligent well thought out and interesting thing to me I have heard in a long time from anyone. He said that he marriages all figured out and that he had noticed that the biggest differences between men and women are that women are almost always wanting change and men almost never want anything to change. Wow.. light bulbs flashed like crazy in my mind. Incredible,I thought.. He gave examples. He said that he married me because he thought that he had finally met someone he loved entirely and that he did not want me to change one thing. Thought that he could live the rest of his life with me just the way I was the day we met. He said that he thought I married him thinking to myself that this guys defiantly got potential and that I could most likely change him into the guy I wanted him to become. What a revelation to me. It is so true. I did think that. I did think that he could be the one with a few minor adjustments. I never knew he did not want me to change. Strange because I have changed so much since that September day 8 years ago. I just spent the last two blog ranting about change and how important it is to me. Women want constant change. We need change. Heck we change our hair style and color; we change our friends, our clothes, our personal style, the clothes we wear, and our surroundings. i remember my mom re-arranging the front room furniture every like six months because she craved change so much. We are always looking up new recipes because we do not want to serve the same old thing for dinner. We are in a constant state of unrest and renewal. My husband on the other hand, like most men, would wear something until it had holes and withered away, his favorite shirt is like Swiss cheese. He has had the same hair cut since 1991. He’d eat Mexican food every night for dinner if I'd fix it, and he watches the same movies until he knows every line. He is constant and steady. So maybe the answer to all of this, all of this contention we wives have is to step outside ourselves and really examine things from their point of view. We know ours by heart but we really rarely get a glimpse of theirs. We think we know it but, what goes on in that head of theirs? Is Consistency better somehow than change? I do think there may be some points to the positive for staying the same.
But, that brings me to the next vowel. Can I get and “E” pat? “E” is for EXAMINATION. Examine their habits their rituals. Because, boy do we know that they have them. That 20 minute poop I talked about before is an everyday occurrence and chances are if your hubby is like mine it is clock work and even takes place at the same time everyday. Even their bodily functions are regulated. Examine what it is that makes them tick and what it is that they do with their time everyday. We need changes from them but they need consistency from us. Is there a way we can meet in the middle? Examine their lives and try to see where that help that you so desperately need could fit in and maybe gradually introduce this change. So gradually that it is slight and not upsetting to their ways of living. I am not saying run in while he’s in the middle of that 20 minute poop and introduce a Clorox wipe into his hands and tell him to multitask. "Wipe the bathroom counter while you are pooping honey will ya?" But I am saying maybe put your “honey do list” in the magazine rack next to the toilet so he’ll have some good reading material. Maybe have the trash bagged and sitting by the door so he can grab it while he is on his way out the door to work. Do that five days in a row and then move the trash closer to the kitchen each time until he is just taking it out all by himself. Maybe next time you do dishes ask him to come in and talk to you while you are doing them and hand him a towel to dry while he is just standing there anyway. Introduce the things you need him to help with a little at a time and make the change gradual and uncomplicated. If something just gradually becomes a way of life for them it will not be so upsetting and will not be a point of contention in your marriage. I know that I am sounding a little condescending right now but seriously thin about it. When daylight savings time hits and your kids no longer want to go to bed when it's still light outside don't you just gradually shave like an 15 minutes off the time they want to go to bed until you are where you want to be anyhow. Instead of going to bed a t 8 they want 9 so you give them 9 for like two nights then you move it to 8:45, then 8:30; then 8:15 and before they know it they are going to bed at 8 again without a fuss. Same premise applies here. I will give a great example of this. My funny friend, the one I am always referring to when she was pregnant her husband had to take on the task of changing out the litter boxes for the cats. You know you can not do that when you are pregnant because of the wired toxoplasmosis thing right. So he started doing that job. Well, her youngest kid is now 4 and her husband is still doing that job. He just never stopped doing it after she had the baby. He made the change once and it just stuck and now it is part of his routine. I think that this will really work. I can’t believe I had not thought of this before. It really is important in life to step outside yourself now and again and really think about how another might view the situation and if you can actually get that other person’s point of view straight from their own mouth all the better. Straight from my own husbands mouth that men are resistant to change. So I am very happy I had that discussion with Rick. We can not run out and give them a whole new hubby makeover but we can institute little changes here and there small almost unnoticeable changes so that we can all live together more happily. That’s all we really want in the end anyhow. I said it before. We don’t want whole new husbands we just want a little change here and there.
Now for my last vowel of the day, can I get and “I” please pat? “I” is for “INTROSPECTION.” I have really been trying to do this a lot lately. I think this too is one of the most important things in life we can do. There are so many aspects of our selves. For example there is our self as we think we are, our self as we actually are, our self as others see us, and our self as we want others to see us. To reconcile all of these selves is a constant juggling act. But it is so important that we are trying to stay connected with these selves. Reviewing these selves if you will, in a marriage especially we need to think about them. This blog again is helping me with that. I am reviewing my imperfections and I think, I hope making some positive growth. I want to be the best wife I can be and more over the best mother I can be. I owe that to my family. This introspection is giving me such insight. I heard once that kids do not only learn what we tell them and teach them but they learn from just watching us and that often what they learn from that is more powerful than what we tell them. So I want to make sure what I am showing my daughter of myself is the woman I want her to become. I want to make sure the relationship I am showing my kids is the one I want them to have when they grow up. Mutual respect and admiration for one another. Loving discussion and not just heated debate.
Have fun with your ideas on the gradual changes. I’d love to hear about any success you may have. Tell me your litter box stories. Life is no game show but it doesn’t have to be a drama either. Why not shoot for a little comedy?