Sunday, August 2, 2009

I’D LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL PLEASE PAT.

I’D LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL PLEASE PAT.

Is there an “A” in the puzzle? My husband and I joke all the time with this Star Wars reference. “Only sith lords deal in ABSOLUTES.” “A” is for ABSOLUTES. No one ever is ALWAYS great or NEVER great. They are sometimes great and sometimes not so great. Lately my husband has been pretty great. The blog is really helping us. He reads and we discuss. He does not ALWAYS see things my way but that is really really good because my way is not ALWAYS right. His point of view on things has lead to some very stimulating conversations. The other night he said the most intelligent well thought out and interesting thing to me I have heard in a long time from anyone. He said that he marriages all figured out and that he had noticed that the biggest differences between men and women are that women are almost always wanting change and men almost never want anything to change. Wow.. light bulbs flashed like crazy in my mind. Incredible,I thought.. He gave examples. He said that he married me because he thought that he had finally met someone he loved entirely and that he did not want me to change one thing. Thought that he could live the rest of his life with me just the way I was the day we met. He said that he thought I married him thinking to myself that this guys defiantly got potential and that I could most likely change him into the guy I wanted him to become. What a revelation to me. It is so true. I did think that. I did think that he could be the one with a few minor adjustments. I never knew he did not want me to change. Strange because I have changed so much since that September day 8 years ago. I just spent the last two blog ranting about change and how important it is to me. Women want constant change. We need change. Heck we change our hair style and color; we change our friends, our clothes, our personal style, the clothes we wear, and our surroundings. i remember my mom re-arranging the front room furniture every like six months because she craved change so much. We are always looking up new recipes because we do not want to serve the same old thing for dinner. We are in a constant state of unrest and renewal. My husband on the other hand, like most men, would wear something until it had holes and withered away, his favorite shirt is like Swiss cheese. He has had the same hair cut since 1991. He’d eat Mexican food every night for dinner if I'd fix it, and he watches the same movies until he knows every line. He is constant and steady. So maybe the answer to all of this, all of this contention we wives have is to step outside ourselves and really examine things from their point of view. We know ours by heart but we really rarely get a glimpse of theirs. We think we know it but, what goes on in that head of theirs? Is Consistency better somehow than change? I do think there may be some points to the positive for staying the same.
But, that brings me to the next vowel. Can I get and “E” pat? “E” is for EXAMINATION. Examine their habits their rituals. Because, boy do we know that they have them. That 20 minute poop I talked about before is an everyday occurrence and chances are if your hubby is like mine it is clock work and even takes place at the same time everyday. Even their bodily functions are regulated. Examine what it is that makes them tick and what it is that they do with their time everyday. We need changes from them but they need consistency from us. Is there a way we can meet in the middle? Examine their lives and try to see where that help that you so desperately need could fit in and maybe gradually introduce this change. So gradually that it is slight and not upsetting to their ways of living. I am not saying run in while he’s in the middle of that 20 minute poop and introduce a Clorox wipe into his hands and tell him to multitask. "Wipe the bathroom counter while you are pooping honey will ya?" But I am saying maybe put your “honey do list” in the magazine rack next to the toilet so he’ll have some good reading material. Maybe have the trash bagged and sitting by the door so he can grab it while he is on his way out the door to work. Do that five days in a row and then move the trash closer to the kitchen each time until he is just taking it out all by himself. Maybe next time you do dishes ask him to come in and talk to you while you are doing them and hand him a towel to dry while he is just standing there anyway. Introduce the things you need him to help with a little at a time and make the change gradual and uncomplicated. If something just gradually becomes a way of life for them it will not be so upsetting and will not be a point of contention in your marriage. I know that I am sounding a little condescending right now but seriously thin about it. When daylight savings time hits and your kids no longer want to go to bed when it's still light outside don't you just gradually shave like an 15 minutes off the time they want to go to bed until you are where you want to be anyhow. Instead of going to bed a t 8 they want 9 so you give them 9 for like two nights then you move it to 8:45, then 8:30; then 8:15 and before they know it they are going to bed at 8 again without a fuss. Same premise applies here. I will give a great example of this. My funny friend, the one I am always referring to when she was pregnant her husband had to take on the task of changing out the litter boxes for the cats. You know you can not do that when you are pregnant because of the wired toxoplasmosis thing right. So he started doing that job. Well, her youngest kid is now 4 and her husband is still doing that job. He just never stopped doing it after she had the baby. He made the change once and it just stuck and now it is part of his routine. I think that this will really work. I can’t believe I had not thought of this before. It really is important in life to step outside yourself now and again and really think about how another might view the situation and if you can actually get that other person’s point of view straight from their own mouth all the better. Straight from my own husbands mouth that men are resistant to change. So I am very happy I had that discussion with Rick. We can not run out and give them a whole new hubby makeover but we can institute little changes here and there small almost unnoticeable changes so that we can all live together more happily. That’s all we really want in the end anyhow. I said it before. We don’t want whole new husbands we just want a little change here and there.
Now for my last vowel of the day, can I get and “I” please pat? “I” is for “INTROSPECTION.” I have really been trying to do this a lot lately. I think this too is one of the most important things in life we can do. There are so many aspects of our selves. For example there is our self as we think we are, our self as we actually are, our self as others see us, and our self as we want others to see us. To reconcile all of these selves is a constant juggling act. But it is so important that we are trying to stay connected with these selves. Reviewing these selves if you will, in a marriage especially we need to think about them. This blog again is helping me with that. I am reviewing my imperfections and I think, I hope making some positive growth. I want to be the best wife I can be and more over the best mother I can be. I owe that to my family. This introspection is giving me such insight. I heard once that kids do not only learn what we tell them and teach them but they learn from just watching us and that often what they learn from that is more powerful than what we tell them. So I want to make sure what I am showing my daughter of myself is the woman I want her to become. I want to make sure the relationship I am showing my kids is the one I want them to have when they grow up. Mutual respect and admiration for one another. Loving discussion and not just heated debate.
Have fun with your ideas on the gradual changes. I’d love to hear about any success you may have. Tell me your litter box stories. Life is no game show but it doesn’t have to be a drama either. Why not shoot for a little comedy?